Ever had a nagging problem that you often wondered “why me”? And your conversations with your friends were laced with grief, anger, and unsettled questions about how you ended up in such a precarious situation. Yet these friends insisted on sharing their opinions of your situation and why you should not dare complain.
Not That Again
For me, I found myself lamenting only to have those around urge me to sing another tune besides my usual why me, what about me song. During those times, I don’t always welcome those feel-better- platitudes. I’m convinced they just do not understand the depths of my plight. It’s then that similar words to what Job said dash through my mind.
I have heard all this before. What miserable comforters you are! Won’t you ever stop blowing hot air. What makes you keep on talking? Job 16:2-3 (NLT)
Am I suggesting that others should leave us in a sea of complaints about our troubles? Not exactly but I do suggest we examine the message we extend to others, when they are going through hard times. Knowing the right time to speak is just as important as having the right words to say.
Are You Encouraging or Deciphering
There are times I hear stories of loss, pain, and lack that I’m simply at a loss of what to say. While I would like to provide a balm for their wounds, my limited mind cannot conceive of the proper remedy. It is at those time it’s so easy to attempt to pick apart their situations-to give reasons for what they are experiencing. However, who really understands the ways of God? Without realizing it, we can fall into pointing out all the things they have done wrong rather than supplying encouragement.
I could say the same things if you were in my place.
I could spout off criticism and shake my head at you.
But if it were me, I would encourage you.
I would try to take away your grief. Job 16:5-6(NLT)
Like Job and his friends, we can make some unwise and untrue statements about our situation during difficult times. Job assumed the reasons for his troubles was because God was angry with him (Job 16:9) and his friends just knew it was because he had sin. Oh so WRONG-they both were.
How much better would it have been for Job’s friend to just extend a listening ear rather than offer a discourse of their opinions?
Now may we learn from their error. Next time we are tempted to speak, let’s stop for a moment and think is my opinion of the matter really necessary?
This makes me think of the think acronym I seen awhile back in a Girlfriends in God devotion.
T Is it true?
H Is it helpful?
I Is it inspiring?
N Is it necessary?
K Is it kind?
What Others Are Sharing About Going Through Difficult Times
- Job Loss Grief: The Unknown and Unacknowledged Emotion (arleenbradley.wordpress.com)
- Through the Fire (lisaphelps.org)
- 10 Important Steps in Recovering from Grief and Loss (12stepgriefandloss.wordpress.com)
Oh man, I HATE this.
I think people just want to help, and they think making suggestions is the way to do it. Sometimes we just need someone to LISTEN. Sometimes I just want to say, “If I’m not asking you directly for advice, then that’s what I need so please do not tell me what to do!!”
Of course, we can always ask them just to listen also, so they know that is what we need.
Yes, I think most people genuinely mean well.
This is exactly what i needed to hear. Sometimes, I want to make friends feel better by extending my experiences, when in retrospect, I should listen and be a shoulder to cry-on. There is a time to share and a time to just be quiet and listen. I am working on the latter. Many blessings!
Hi Cynthia, at times those shared experiences really does help a person. I guess we just to discernment to know when to share and when to just sit and listen.
Wanda, many people forget that God is the “God of all Comfort” for a reason (in this world we will have MANY tribulations). He calls us to cast our care on Him because He knew there would be worries and issues that we could not possibly carry by ourselves. I have found that it is very important to keep myself in good company. By that I mean people who remember God’s character when dealing with troubles, worries and burdens. These are people who are willing to listen (even when they’ve heard it all before, or think they have) and who are willing to offer comfort. Even when we have no words, a shoulder to cry on, a shared pint of Ice Cream, a few songs and or a simple walk together can do wonders to lift the spirit. One of the reasons I ask God for strength to endure with my friends who need comforting is by reminding myself that God has never turned me away when I go to Him repeatedly. Extending grace and mercy in our listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give each other. If everyone could “snap out of it”, “suck it up” or “get over it” easily, God would not instruct us to have a patient spirit and be wise with our words.
A wonderful reflection of His grace. Blessings!
God really covered all basis when He created humanity. He is the great I am when need comfort He is that. When we need strength He is that as well.
This is wise advice. God asks us to exercise the fruit of the Spirit in reaching out to others in love. At times, we must also apply wisdom in terms of timing and what we say or share even in prayers. Sometimes we may endure with long patience and long suffering with friends. At other times, we are given supernatural insight as to a timing of support that is in line with the Spirit, not our own immediate instinct, and this is when God’s Word is truly revealed to us as providing in the Spirit, “A word aptly spoken…like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Proverbs 25: 11 Thank you, Wanda for sharing good food for thought about exercising wisdom in ministry to others.
Very true Susan. To give the right kind of support we need to be led by God. One of the things we were taught in school was given the right med in the right dosage at the right time to right person. Missing either one of those element was error. It’s very much the same when extending aid to others
Oh, this is something I so need to work on! My biggest problem is I speak before thinking, then later regret it. I really need to slow down, listen, pause, and pray first. Excellent post, thank you!
Hi Jennifer, even the quietest ones among us are guilty of saying things we later regret.
Wanda,
Love the acronym for THINK but when you said this, you said it all…”Am I suggesting that others should leave us in a sea of complaints about our troubles? Not exactly but I do suggest we examine the message we extend to others, when they are going through hard times. Knowing the right time to speak is just as important as having the right words to say. ”
All I can say to that is, Amen!!
Wasn’t that such a cool acronym to apply to our speech? Blessings to you sweet friend. Have a great week.
Yes indeed. You too dear one!
Often when you are in a situation that warrants the why me question there is a lesson there for you to learn. The better question should be, “Lord, what is the lesson you want me to learn here? Please show me and help me to understand, articulate and implement.)
Advice…..isn’t always needed or wanted. I always ask, do you need me to listen or do you need my input. if my input is needed i always keep in the forefront of my mind that the person with whom i share my counsel have the option to choice to follow through or not and i do not let my ego be part of the equation.
You’re absolutely correct Rhaspody there are better questions to ask than why me when going through difficult times. Yet I don’t always behave as spiritually mature as I should. My flesh screams why, why, why…lol. But most of time I’m able to ring it back and seek the lessons.
I like the idea of asking a person if they want your advice or just need a sounding board.
Thanks for sharing your insight.
Too many times it takes people a lot less effort to criticize than encourage!
I often find myself attracting people who habitually have problems and need someone to listen and encourage, and although I can become weary of listening to their (daily!) plight, I never want to take for granted that I am here to empathize rather than judge. I find it a blessing to respond with love and support!
Another great post Wanda!
Denise
It’s is so much other to give our critique than to patiently seek wisdom from God on how to handle a situation. What a blessing that others trust you to share their plight with you Denise. That speaks a lot about you.
Good Morning, Wanda. What a wonderful, wise and thought-provoking post. Wishing you a very nice Wednesday.
Thanks Maple! Blessings to you.
Sometimes I just need to vent, let it out. A hug would be better than some of the responses I have heard.
Yes, people mean well, but are distracted, for the most part.
A wise post…food for thought!
I am sure I have done this…taken a detour.
Makes me think!
Thanks Wanda 😀
Oh so true Ella. People are distracted my their own going ons. I would imagine we have all given advice when we should have just listened instead.
oh woman you speak the truth!
thanks for having the courage to write this out, dearheart.
The Holy Spirit likes to identify Himself as The Comfortor
and yet we people of his have so little practice and wisdom
when it comes to comforting.
Sometimes that is the most excellent,
most helpful, most life-giving,
most needful thing we have to bring
to the table.
Unrequested advice is insult….that is what
my wise coach likes to say.
I so enjoyed these words…..thanks for the stir,
Jennifer
Hmmm, I never thought about unrequested advice being an insult but I imagine it does feel that way to others.
Dear Wanda,
I really appreciate your post. How much wiser we would be to be quiet and listen, to pray rather than to speak. Thank you for the reminder.
In Christ…Susan
Indeed Susan we would be much wiser.